THE ART OF CELIBACY: In modern living, where we equate external achievements with external conditions, the idea of cultivating inner life may seem alien to us. It is as if our inner world has become foreign territory, our outer world the known landscape of our reality. Even different paths to God-union can seem completely irrelevant to how we engage in civilized life. For ages, we have heard that some of the most renowned spiritual-religious teachers refrain from partaking in sexual activities. For them, God is their chosen partner. In order to achieve liberation and remain pure for their relationship with the divine, they renounce all earthly romantic relationships.

This immaculate act is known as celibacy.

I have been fascinated by this act of devotion ever since I first felt my spirit calling to me to evolve, to grow, to learn. After several failed relationships, and out of necessity to concentrate on my health, I decided to dedicate myself to experiencing my self without the anticipation and attachment of sexual relationships. In a society where most of us assess our identities through our romantic relationships, celibacy certainly presented a challenge at first. My close friends didn't know how to act around me. Some were baffled, and admitted that they couldn't understand how or why I made my choice. Others seemed to understand why, but related that they found the commitment daunting. I was amazed to find that the subject of celibacy seemed to be as frightening and taboo as sexuality itself.

Regardless of the conflicting messages from others and even within me, this period of life was well worth the 'sacrifice.' Almost two years of no sexual relationships taught me a whole new level of relating with my self and with others. My incessant need to be seen in a certain light gradually went away. I was able to relate with women without competition and to feel a deeper compassion for their insecurities. The need for attention from the opposite sex no longer possessed me, and I was able to relate with men far more intimately without sexual tension. I was able to communicate through intimate relating, to express myself without any need for what the person could give me in return. To relate with men as human beings with hearts, to relate with them in their own challenges with the masculine gender.

I also regained a sense of innocence in my interactions with others. I didn't feel the need to play games, to manipulate, to control. I didn't need to constantly evaluate my approach from the position of being an attractive female. The emptiness that so often seems to come with wanting or needing a romantic relationship completely disappeared from within. It was a radical shift for me, in my cognition of the world, to return to the place of internal wholeness. To live within and yet transcend the illusion of separation which has plagued humanity throughout history.

Celibacy taught me that every relationship presents the opportunity for spiritual practice, for deep connection.

Later in life, I would once again choose to return to celibacy. This time, I was involved in a sexual-romantic relationship, yet had grown past the fictional thoughts of what the relationship could fulfill in me. My intention was to experience celibacy from the place of spiritual maturity. This time it was easy, natural. I felt no misgivings, no confusion, but rather a sense of serene fullness. And this time also, it was not so much about me and what I could experience, but to gain insight into how celibacy was perceived in the world. Why was there so much energy about 'not having sex' as there was about 'needing to have sex?'

What I discovered was a divided ocean of extremes.

Certain priests, nuns and monks suggest that in order to know God fully, sex should be completely eradicated. They point to sexual energy as a distraction that deters one from focusing on deeper spiritual matters. The sheer force of it, in this line of thinking, can knock you off course and commit you more deeply to the reactive actions of the ego. It can take the strongest of humans prisoner, barring them from the path of spiritual evolution. Many of the holy figures that I met who practiced celibacy had never known or experienced anything else regarding sexual energy other than what they were told by their religious authorities.

 

On the other side of matters – the rebellious generation who scoffed at celibacy to the point where it was portrayed as a dogma meant to control and manipulate humans. The prevailing belief was that the experience of sex is a necessary component for fulfilled human existence. A majority of sexual experts only confirmed this notion, eschewing any positives in such a sacrifice, and viewed celibacy as an act of suppressing human nature.

In awareness, all duality dissolves. Celibacy is simply another way of opening to awareness. We may swing back and forth like a pendulum, from one point of view to another, but sexual energy still simply flows within us. We are sexual beings, and no matter how we choose to experience this life force energy, it will remain a part of our human experience until our bodies cease to exist. Just as we can make a conscious choice to conserve or direct sexual energy through the practice of cultivation and awareness, we can choose to embrace celibacy for the same purpose. Neither choice is less than or higher than another.

True celibacy cannot be forced. Forced energy can easily take on a destructive form. When embraced as a natural experience, it can facilitate deep transformation, yet it all depends on intention and awareness. You can be celibate for 20 years and yet still dwell in thoughts of sex every moment of every day. This can lead to suppression, which does more harm than good. If one enters celibacy with thoughts of rejection, or of contempt for sexual energy, then the state of devotion simply becomes another vice for the ego to grow stronger. The disavowal of sex becomes an act of importance, morally justified. And the identity becomes our new center of worship.

For me, my first vow of celibacy enabled me to discover those destructive internal energies that block me from knowing myself deeply. To observe my ego's crazed need to be validated and approved of through the means of sexuality. The second phase of celibacy for me was the result of many years of inner work, a natural progression. At this point, there was nothing to prove anymore and nothing to gain, but simply the transformation of sexual energy into a rich, deep compassion for life and for others.

It's so important to understand sexual energy, no matter if we are celibate or not. Sexual energy is not confined to our genitalia, but rather an expression of our whole being, a force that holds the power to transmute suffering through the purity of love. When properly channeled and directed, whether you are engaging in physical sexual activity or not, it can completely transform your life and the world around you. Sexual energy is a direct expression of the universe and is not limited by a certain activity. It is a portal through which to commune with consciousness itself, limitless, indefinable, vast.

"When I touch the ground in prayer I have no other purpose
But you.
All else I speak about
Gardens, flowers, nightingales, whirling Is only an excuse."
-Rumi

Thanks, Zeerak: You said quite a lot here. I do have another question for you.

Zeerak Khan: OK

Did any complications arise as a result of this practice?

Zeerak Khan: What sort of complications? Can you ask this question in a different way please?

Ok, What I meant was energetic complications, or anything else, such as thoughts of desire, temptations to stop the practice?  “Energetic” as with kundalini?

Zeerak Khan: The First time when I embarked on the journey of Celibacy, it was quiet difficult at first. Lots of opinions, pressure to be a sex symbol e.t.c since I came from Sex industry back ground, there was fear of not being approved, validated and so on and also feeling shame, loads of shame about not being Sexually adequate,  As far as Energetically, The second time, I experienced BLISS ....Lots of Bliss in my Body. Feelings of deep well-being, compassion and Love I could not have ever fathomed. I could recognize and feel the beauty of all as equal essence. My whole Body Vibrating just by watching an immaculate Sunset or listening to music!...These sensations continue.......

So how would you like to use this for your project..If I may ask?

As an interview online. It will be posted. I do have another question. When you say that these vibrations all over the body continue, what about in the head, do you see light or anything of that nature?

Zeerak Khan: Yes Blasts of lights....Golden lights, Blue and red light as well. usually followed by deep, deep stillness, Traveling through Space....Seeing of Infinite SPACE As Self!!……… John, I must admit though, these experiences are something I don't feel the need to speak about so much anymore. They come and go. Although, I do see the benefit of reference points in the body...Glimpses in to Being!

Ok, thanks, is this while meditating or at other times?

Zeerak Khan: Now Mostly random!  AS well, My orgasms last a very very long time when I Practice Self pleasuring as Meditation, followed by breath work. Incredible amounts of Energy moving through the body that can sometimes last for days!

Random Meaning...Causeless!

Thanks, when you say "self pleasuring", is this mostly the second chakra, Swadhisthana?  Also, do you use mulabandhasana , as well as breath work?

Zeerak Khan: I mean Masturbation (touching myself) or sometimes only contracting in the genitals and breathing and moving the energy up the spine! This is an ancient practice for Tantrics to open, surrender and expand in to feeling Bliss that we already are...deep, deep insights can occur. These insight have no thought or words.. incredible heart-opening experience sort of speak. Simply feeling of Exquisite Fulfillment beyond body sensations. As if Awareness recognizing itself as Pure-Bliss- Consciousness. Now, please take these words loosely. This is just a way to say it. There are simply no words that can express this!  Yes Mulabandahasana

with breath.

Yes, understood.  Breath retention, as with khumbaka or another kind?

Zeerak Khan: What I do is extreme breathing.. a form of Kumbhaka I suppose. It is fire breath which goes through each chakra..about 30min

Ananda Mandala Chakra breathing, with genital contractions ...Followed by contraction of the whole body and release to distribute sexual energy all through the body.. There are enormous benefits to this.. sometime cathartic and massive emotional release can occur, uncontrollable laughter can also occur and in the midst of all this movement of life, the realization of deep stillness as you. This practice was given to me by a tantric teacher in India.

What about the other bhandhas, do you also practice any others. Or visualizations? Deities or anything else?

Zeerak Khan: No..none of that, I don't find it to be necessary. No mind engagement Necessary.

Is the mind clear of images?

Zeerak Khan: Completely

Ok, How would you say this differs from a normal orgasm derived from just the second chakra?

Zeerak Khan: It is generative use of Sex and sexual energy as appose to de-generative Sex. Generative sexual energy creates freedom in the body-mind..recognizing sexual energy does not pertain outside oneself..it is the very nature of everything as life force energy - As Consciousness itself. It opens up to clarity, in to what is, THAT which is always already the case. Relinquishing expectation and goals, it is Rooted in Presence..This approach facilitates seeing in to your divine nature via the gifts of our physical form, our 5  senses. Using orgasmic energy for slowing down your mind, clearing emotional blockages in the body. Here, intention is to know your true nature and live from and as this awareness, pouring out in to all arenas of our lives! it has a potential to know deep  Love. Not love as a mere sentiment but  as our Natural- True state of being. De-generative sexual energy often creates shame, Guilt, contractions, Attachments, Looking for outside source for fulfillment and so on. Also the addiction to ejaculation or Orgasms solidifies creating dependency to goal oriented sex rather then simply being, opening, Surrendering, deeply feeling and connecting, being present in the moment with what's here. It can also leave a person feeling exhausted, Seeming feeling of relaxation but in actuality, it is temporary gratification and release from tension which enforces ego wanting more and more of these experiences..Chasing experiences that simply create more addictive patterns, grasping, neediness, distorted perceptions in the body-mind. There are many many other elements to De-generative sex that are often entrenched and rooted in Ego's Desire to manipulate, preserve and only feed its very own survival nature.

Yes, understood. Are you able to do this by just using the mind alone, with no physical stimulation, hands or feet, or breath work, bhandas? For example. By just sitting in meditation?

Zeerak Khan: Yes! I am not doing it. it happens!….And I really don't mean it in some spiritual sense. it JUST happens!  Not sure what meditation means these days. Here, it is constant seeing of all passing and when the mind activity reinforces itself and the tension in the body plays out in distorted ways, seeing this too and welcoming it all, feeling it all fully without avoidance and returning to already present clarity and alertness!

Spontaneously, how often would you say?

Zeerak Khan: like right now..lol!!

Yes, I picked it up from here.  You have strong energy.

Zeerak Khan:  yeah Just taking about it right now can bring it ON..lol!!.... I Don't have a count really...just happens when laughing hard. Reading something that touches me..Smiling, receiving and giving love, on and on!  Also when sad..Which is astonishing really!

So sadness still arises?

Zeerak Khan: hahahahahaha. Seriously??...of course!!

Anger too. Vulnerability and Insecurities as well!

It's just seen differently than before

All of it happens and then not.

How do these feelings impact you in the body?

Zeerak Khan:  Well, I feel more deeply than ever...everrrrr!!! it all comes and goes much, much faster than ever! it does not impact the body as it use to ...but the feelings are felt much more intensely. This much I have noticed. The difference is, its not so much happening to 'ME' per say.

For example, where would you feel anger?

Zeerak Khan:  In the head and the stomach

Above the navel, or below it?

Zeerak Khan:  Above the navel...in the pit of the belly

And then it rises up to your head?

Zeerak Khan: It starts in the back of the head and then top of the head... and after in the stomach.

Then simultaneously both places.

Ok, do you know the triggers for this?

Zeerak Khan: Yes! Mostly projecting non presence on others or something should be other than what it is..lol!! Which is seen more efficiently, embraced fully and it dissolves in the blink of an eye…Sometimes if it stays with me longer, in the depth there is recognition of how thoughts and thinking is being believed and Poof the charge is no longer there.

So when you do this practice, do all these feelings subside?

Zeerak Khan: Which practice?

The tantric practice.

Zeerak Khan: All feelings subside anyway...I suppose I am not understanding your question clearly. I don't have to do any practice for feelings to come and go.

Its total being ...even saying being "with it" does not seem to express it correctly.

Ok, understood, What about getting attached to this bliss. For example, if you stop this practice, do you begin to crave doing this?

I practice tantric Self pleasuring whenever I feel sexually aroused..it feels fabulous to do it when it comes naturally..it is not a practice I must DO in order to feel Bliss!!

Sometimes I go weeks without feelings sexually aroused in the genitals…and arousal is very easy whenever I want period!

So you can control it?

Zeerak Khan: I live it..as it. Control? hmmmmm I have no idea what that means..lol!

By control, I mean bring it on whenever you like, as well as shut it off? Like using a switch?

Zeerak Khan: I never shut it off..the body has its own intelligence..it does what it does. I can be orgasmic anytime, anywhere. Only have to bring awareness to the body, breath and it's here! Always here!

What about now?

Zeerak Khan: It's here!! hahahaha...MMMMmmm Yesssss as always!

What about asanas, or spontaneous yoga movements in the body. Does this ever happen?

Zeerak Khan: Sometimes when I wake up in morning. I find myself moving, opening, doing yoga movements in bed , also when engaging sexually with another this can happen naturally. other wise no.

What kind of movements exactly?

Tantra yoga.. Breath, sexual yoga as such!

Yes, understood. Are you able to project this shatki?

Zeerak Khan: That's my work..hands On!!

What about at a distance?

Zeerak Khan: Hahaha...I can try it with you now.

No never consciously done it. Although many people project that on me..as if I am doing something long distance. I just listen and that's that!

I have experienced this with my teacher shri Matha ji..she passed away in year 2000

So she was able to do this?

Zeerak Khan: I often felt that with her..She was also my lover at 79 and I was in my early 20's..I felt her energy moving mine when she walked in the room. She always smiled when I asked but never answered. I don't know any of this to be true now honestly! Now it seems it was only happening between 'me' and 'me' as it is always here anyway... and it could be both. As for all!

On another note, what about getting attached to this bliss? For example, if you stop this tantric practice, do you begin to crave doing this?

Zeerak Khan: I have no attachment to any state. All is welcomed. All states come and go. And the depth of goodness and well-being remains truly!

What about union, as with a partner? Do you still need it for your happiness?

Zeerak Khan: No, Nooooo..Nope.. lol!!…..And desire arises and seen to be what is! I Do enjoy sexual experiences when they happen..I loooove them with another. I love being held, loved, felt and all of the things that are so delicious and part of being in this body and in connections with another. Seeing in to each other and beyond..feeling in to inseparability! That's it!!  When I say Desire arises...I mean desire to have another to make me happy,  Sexually and otherwise.

So the desire for sexual union is still there?

Zeerak Khan: Moments of it yes and then not,Not something that has to be fulfilled.

So, would you be happy if you could not have this union with another?

Be celibate?

Being celibate I mean, all the time?

Zeerak Khan: I can't say! I have gone without sexual union for months at a time and I am not sitting around hoping or wishing or pining for it..lol!...I don't think about it. When it's here I am in it, totally in to it, relish it and when not, then that's perfectly good as well.

So do you feel that tantra is the way to enlightenment?

Zeerak Khan: No I don't think that tantra is the ONLY way to Enlightenment. Although the body is a huge component in Enlightenment. I find that all inclusivity is the way.

Simultaneously, I recognize the mystery of it all. Humbly, I don't know and remain in the awe of the not knowing..The infinite unknown!