Intense yearning to know one’s own Self (mumukshatva), as Sankara says in Vivekachudaamani, comes only through 'Grace’ – perhaps a euphemism to indicate that it cannot be explained in terms of the cause-effect relationships, a domain in which mind functions. Mumukshatva begins with the questions: ‘Who am I’ and ‘What is this world around?’ as almost all the Indian sages tell us.

Ancient lore speaks of Ashtaavakra who was said to have resolved these questions when he was still in his mother’s womb. Right here we have the story of Victoria Rose who grappled with these questions as a toddler! Language, she found out, was needed only later on as a secondary adjunct for expression of this burning desire to understand her own Self.

Victoria hails from a strictly orthodox Catholic home in the Midwest.  A born Musician, she is trained in Psychology and has a Masters in Social work. She lives now with her family in Wyoming, Michigan. Her Non-dual “Journey” from nowhere to Now Here is quite enthralling with a graphic description of the undulating terrain one passes through during the intense seeking, only to find at the end that there is in fact no displacement at all in the whole travel!  Her story of the ‘search’ to return ‘home’ forms a real-life case-study narrated in her inimitable and unpretentious manner and is quite instructive and illustrative of the 'process' involved on the ‘path.’  It answers a myriad of doubts that usually arise in our minds as our own seeking goes on.

Victoria is available on Facebook with a huge network of friends.  I feel I am blessed for her ready consent to share her captivating story at this Blog – Dr. Ramesam Vermuri

NDM: In the article that your wrote, Journey from 'Nowhere' to 'Now-Here you mention that you had chronic anxiety and other types of fears. Can you please tell me what happened to these fears (chronic anxiety or other types of fears), once this self realization took place?

Victoria Rose:  First, the answer to your question is both! There were fears that left immediately, and fears that dissolved gradually over a period of time throughout searching for the 'labels' to explain the Happenings.
                 
During the whole process of growing up in such a fear-based belief system, once it was understood that what we were taught to believe regarding the doctrines and dogmas of the Church were just that: beliefs, not truth, the fears dissolved immediately. The fears and anxiety which affected my personal beliefs dissolved over the course of a number of years as realizations continued to occur. I call those subconscious fears.          
                 
    
NDM: What about these subconscious fears?                 

Victoria Rose:  What affected me subconsciously was what I refer to as the "blueprint" of my upbringing. What I didn't realize at the time when the fears dissolved regarding the beliefs around religion (i.e., hell, believing we're all sinners, belief in purgatory, and many others), still remaining were subconscious effects of how I internalized the 'personal' emotions, for instance, the influence from my upbringing and thinking that I was independent from that altogether. Sure, certain beliefs fell away when I saw that they were not true, but what I later realized is that while one can become somewhat 'free' from some beliefs, there still remains the very first impressions that go way back to infancy and how those impressions start to develop within the psyche. I call this the 'blueprint' of those first impressions which are internalized and remain in the subconscious until they are finally exposed to the light of awareness. And by "subconscious" I am referring to what one is not aware of within the psyche. This 'blueprint' did not just disappear overnight. It still had somewhat of a hold over how I identified with Mind. Thoughts and emotions stem from the Mind, and when we claim these as our own, that is identification with Mind.                 
           
NDM: How old were you at this time?
                 
Victoria Rose: This primarily took place during my thirties when I was at the stage of learning the "labels" and "words" to describe the Happenings, which began when I started reading Eckhart Tolle's, "The Power of Now". Tolle had realized the Self with no spiritual or religious upbringing whatsoever!

NDM: What does this indicate to you now?
                 
Victoria Rose:  It proves that anyone can realize their true nature as presence-awareness even without a teacher or spiritual books, and regardless of background that has nothing to do with religion, spirituality or even cultural upbringing. Even among various self-realized beings, different pointers may be used, but the essence is the same, regardless of teaching methods used. I refer to this as universal truth, which is within all beings.
                 
NDM: What was going on at the time when this shift occurred?
                 
Victoria Rose:  The pain in my body had gotten worse, and to the point where it had my attention. It was becoming unbearable and I felt I couldn't do anything about it, so I suffered. I was so sick of my "self"; sick of what I thought were "my problems"; sick of the constant mind chatter, and the "self" that I thought was "me", while still identified with the Mind.

NED: So what did you do about this?                 
                 
Victoria Rose:  'The Power of Now' became THE book that I called my practice book, because firstly, I resonated with everything Tolle pointed to as I had already experienced directly much of what he pointed to; and secondly, I put into practice and applied the teachings to my daily life anything that I considered a 'problem', which was mainly quieting the Mind. What Eckhart teaches as a means to Presence is to watch thoughts as they arise, knowing 'we' are not our thoughts; then just observe the thoughts without labeling them and see what happens. This method proved worthy at quieting the mind. Every time I became aware of the thoughts, I reminded myself that 'I' was not the thoughts -- and as Eckhart pointed out, each time one becomes aware of the thoughts that arise, in that Moment, one is Present, Aware. And as this mind was filled with mind chatter, which had become so loud that I could no longer take it, this practice worked, as every now and again I would "check in" to see if any progress had taken place, each time discovering that the mind chatter had become lesser and lesser until it subsided and was no longer an issue. Thoughts still arose, but no longer controlled me, as they had no more power in the face of Awareness.                 
            
NDM: Then what happened?
                 
Victoria Rose:   Yes. I had not yet learned about nonduality. I wanted to get to the point where there were no more "gaps" between beING my true nature (the Oneness which I referred to as 'the Happenings') and the interruptions of the Mind. I had become so familiar with Eckhart's teachings, having read all of his books, listened to most of the CDs where he would talk to a live audience about a certain topic and then have a Q&A session. I knew his teachings so well, that when a thought would arise as a 'question', I already knew what he would say. I didn't need more "knowledge" --- I knew what Eckhart pointed to was all there IS right here and now. But somehow, I felt 'stuck', and wasn't sure why. Somehow I felt that I needed some "new" pointers, because maybe, I thought, I had become too familiar with Eckhart's teachings that maybe I was missing the depth that was there. That proved to be correct when I came across Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj. After some time reading Nisargadatta, occasionally I would come across something in Eckhart Tolle's books, and what I found was Eckhart's teachings had incredible depth that I had initially missed because of how potent and powerful Nisargadatta pointed to truth. Both teachings were very clear and both pointed to the SAME, only using different pointers

 

NDM: What changed when you come across Nisargadatta?
                 
Victoria Rose: When I found Nisargadatta Maharaj, I ordered several of his books at once. I couldn't just read one at a time. I started about 5 books and would read a little here, and more in another and yet another book, depending upon what caught my interest at the time. And everything just resonated perfectly! His pointers were so powerful that more realizations started happening, faster and far more intense than ever. So, because of the potency of Nisargadatta's pointers, I became "unstuck" in no time!      
                 
NDM: Is this around the time when the awakening occurred?
                 
Victoria Rose: This set the stage for awakening to occur, but not quite yet. There was more. While Nisargadatta was one of my greatest teachers (and Eckhart had prepared me for Nisargadatta, whom otherwise, I might not have gotten the pointers as quickly or as clearly), there was still another teacher that would challenge me to go deeper within than I had ever gone before. This teacher took on the form of pain in this body, which had become debilitating to the point where I could no longer work a job, but was diagnosed with various diseases, syndromes, disorders, and declared 'disabled'. Also, at the same time, my husband was also disabled with one of the same debilitating syndromes, among other disorders, that really put pressure on the relationship. When chronic pain is involved 24/7, especially with both husband and wife, it can make for a very challenging relationship. One is not always dealing with the being within, but with the pain in the body, which becomes suffering when the mind is involved. This heightened emotions to run rampant at times, especially given the daily pressures at work (before we both lost our jobs due to the disabilities). On the one hand, we understood what each other was going through and on the other hand, there were days where whomever was dealing with the most pain, anger and frustration would come out. I cannot speak for my husband, because how each one deals with what is going on within isn't always shared openly. I happened to be more verbal about wanting to communicate to find ways to prevent this. What I was aware of within was that I didn't want pain to come between us, nor did I want it to undermine everything I had already worked on within, as I felt that awakening was very, very close. I knew compassion could prevail because I had already experienced it so many times from prior situations in my life. Also, it was hard enough experiencing pain all the time, let alone allowing it to turn into suffering. So, I balanced the pain with what I already knew and experienced before many times, which was that I was not the pain, nor the emotions, nor the thoughts, nor the body. As I continued to do this, at first when emotions would happen, I became the Observer, and if a reaction to the emotions around the pain surfaced, they would not last. This became part of a daily practice, so that whenever the emotions occurred, they lasted at the very least a few moments, and I also witnessed that they had no charge behind them. The quicker the emotions left, the easier it became for my husband, because in the light of Awareness, they just couldn't hold any power, thus the mind was no longer involved

NDM: Did these emotions stay with you?
                 
Victoria Rose:  They did not stay with me. The challenge was behind us, as once there was no longer anymore reacting to something that wasn't there, instead, there remained Presence, which healed the dissonance in the relationship. Nor did emotions stay with me in a general sense.

NDM: What about physical pain? Was this a deterrent in any way from seeing this oneness?          

Victoria Rose:  I discovered that no matter what, even the pain in this body could not 'shake' all that was left, which is my true nature. Pain is that of the body, which is part of consciousness. As long as there are no stories to add to the pain, which stem from the Mind, there is no suffering. Nor does the pain affect the essence of my true nature, as presence-awareness. Peace is always prevalent. The only fears I dealt with just months prior to the final silencing of the mind were survival issues and fear of my own death because of the poor health of the body.

 

So when the awakening happened and the mind was finally silent, there were no more fears --- nothing. In fact, once awakening happened, the fears had already dissolved. As explained above, there were fears that dissipated gradually over a period of time, and fears that left immediately once awareness was shed upon "religious beliefs" that I no longer held onto. And finally, the final fears of survival and death left just months before the time of awakening.
                 

NDM: How do you look at this now?
                 
Victoria Rose:   Everything I have shared here are merely "stories". However, if sharing has a use, whatever that may be, then I am happy to be of service, but will not carry these with me. Stories no longer serve a purpose as they are not Reality. In the Light of Awareness, Nothing ever happened.

Contact Victoria at vrose@fastmail.us