SARAH MESKANEN

I see the process of waking from the illusion as a letting go of the fear generated by believing in being separate. The illusion is released, having no further hold once it is known and accepted that it is not real, but an imagined belief. So there is no need to keep imagining lifetimes to make the fear seem real, once it is known that it is not. In other words, there is no need to keep washing your hands, once you realise they have been clean all along.

The Broken Bed

Everything that seems to have happened throughout all of my lifetimes, has brought me to the point where I am now. Nothing at all has been wasted, and some of the most harrowing of experiences, and what seemed to be my biggest mistakes, and the hardest to bear at the time, have provided me with the greatest opportunities to forgive. So each of these experiences have made an essential contribution to how I find myself today. In more recent times, it has become clear to me that the changes in the way I interpret ‘everything’, are the result of a drawing together of what has seemed to pass before, through all my many perceived lifetimes.

I can identify, looking back, there has been a series of realisations. Nothing has been related to time at all, but rather to my state of readiness. Usually, probably because I have a fairly scientific mind, I would grasp any concept at an intellectual level first, after which there was typically some time (which I can see looking back, allowed for the gradual integration of the concept), until it became a feeling and knowing within me. Only then would I begin to take the next step. I always worked using my thoughts, with my intention, recalling anything or anyone I felt I needed to forgive. I would visualise the incident and feel again the emotions I had felt at the time. This was frequently very challenging, but I think it allowed me to really know what I was forgiving, and still choose to forgive it, through the pain. I then realised that what I actually thought I was forgiving (the ‘facts’ as I saw them) were irrelevant. I mean, some would not feel the need to forgive accidentally stepping on a centipede and killing it, whereas others may be riddled with guilt at squashing a tiny ant. So it is more the way I had chosen to interpret events, rather than the events themselves. If I felt the need to forgive, then I must first have condemned it. So what I had really been doing, without realizing at first, was forgiving myself for judging it in the first place!

Any transition I seem to have made, is simply a change in my perception- the way I choose to see things. Only I could have made that change. No-one else could ever have done it for me. There is nothing about anyone, or anything anyone can say, that can ever make a change in another ‘person’. It is possible to help another with the understanding that happens at the level of the intellect, but any actual change- the realisation and acceptance of ‘inner knowing’- is deeply personal and can only found within. I feel it cannot be bought with a fee or subscription, ‘rub off’ by physical proximity with another, whoever they are, or received in the post or via the internet. I believe that each ‘person’ has to make their own inner changes themselves.

Everything that seems to happen, be it in the ‘world’ or when I sleep at night and dream (which are both the same, by the way) is only a series of symbols. Everyone in my dreams as I sleep at night, is symbolic of a perception I hold, just as everyone in the ‘world’ is expressing a perception of mine to me. The same is, of course, true of the journeys I used to make within my mind. A few years back, I made one such journey that symbolised the awakening of the perceptions symbolised by Sarah. Everything in that apparent experience was symbolic, but the most notable part of it for me at the time, was the very intense emotions, mainly of joy, that expressed the innocence that I am.

I wrote it down afterwards…

I was lying in a bed. I was a little girl aged about 4. Everything was white, but I could see distinctions that allowed me to be aware of the bed, the soft pillow my head rested upon, and the light fluffy quilt covering me snugly to my chin. I was lying on my back, and I opened my eyes and turned my head to the right of me. There was another bed the same as my own, and a little girl very like me was lying in it, apparently asleep. I watched her for a while, and was just thinking about waking her when she opened one eye and looked at me. Straight away she saw I had seen her looking, and she snapped it quickly shut again. She could not hold it closed now though, because she knew I had seen her, and she laughed, and we both sat up in our beds.

“Why were you pretending to be asleep?” I asked her.

“You pretend to be asleep almost all the time” she replied. I realised this was true, and I did not say any more. We started bouncing on our beds, throwing pillows at each other and laughing. It was pure joy, and I bounced higher and higher on my bed. Then there was an almighty thud and I felt the mattress descend through the base of my bed and onto the floor. I stood there in shock. My friend stopped bouncing too, and we looked at each other. Then we looked around, as if to see if anyone else had seen what had happened. We neither of us seemed quite sure how to react for a moment, and then we burst out laughing.

We crouched down to inspect the damage. Many of the wooden slats that had been supporting the mattress had snapped. Together we pulled the mattress off the frame. Luckily the slats were not screwed down and we moved the broken ones to each end and spaced the unbroken ones across the middle before replacing the mattress. I lay really carefully back on my bed, but my friend started to bounce up and down on her bed again. I could not bear to just watch her, so I went across and joined her on her bed, and she seemed very pleased. We bounced alternately, so that one of us was always sinking into the bed when the other was highest in the air, and it was even more fun than it had been when we had been on separate beds.

I realised that I was about to leave her, and was determined not to. We had stopped playing, and she offered to tuck me up in bed. I told her “no” but found myself already in bed. I heard myself telling her I wanted to stay awake all night, and I asked her if I could stay for a sleepover. Straight away I thought NO I did NOT want to sleep, and I suggested to her an ‘awake-over.’ I was as sincere as a child of four could be.

I tried to stay awake in my very comfortable, warm bed, and I cried with the effort. I was aware of the tears flowing down my face and into my ears, and I screwed my eyes tight shut to try to hold the moment, but it was gone and I opened my eyes to see that I was back asleep in the illusion again. I continued to cry with disappointment for a while, and then I started to feel my connection with her again, and knew at once I could never regret any of it, even for an instant. As I thought of her I could feel her, and I remembered her telling me, as she made me comfortable in bed, that I need to take care, because the bed is now broken. “

I don’t think you’ll sleep all that comfortably now” I remember her saying, “this bed is broken and you’ll probably keep waking up.” I took comfort in that.

On the use of tools- The Torn Photograph

I think the biggest tool, is the ‘world’ as you see it! Think of the ‘world’ as an interactive symbol of which you are a part. Imagine there is a perception (a way of seeing things) about what separation may be like. An imagined “I wonder how that may be” scenario is explored as a consequence. Have you ever anticipated an event by imagining or rehearsing in your mind what might happen? You are creating a possible ‘reality’ in your mind. It is a dream- an illusion. You know it is not real, but it allows you to seem to experience in safety.

So a perception of separation could be thought of in a simular way. Each different perception would create a different dream- or illusion- to explore it. As it is a dream, everything you imagine within it is a symbol to represent something that is not actually real, but just imagined in your mind. Perceiving separation requires edges to separate one from another. So if a ‘person’ were to be a symbol of separation, they would need another apparently separate identity- a ‘person’- to be separate from.

In a journey I took within my mind shortly after experiencing a sensation like an ‘opening’ in the region of my forehead, I had a visualisation that showed me how this might be represented. This is the account I wrote at the time:

My attention went immediately to the ‘opening’ in my forehead, and I noticed it seemed now to be about six inches across, and I wondered how this could be, when my forehead was not even that big. As soon as I asked the question, I started to travel along the tube that led from the opening. The tube became wider and wider, until eventually I was unable to see the edges at all. Everywhere was an expanse of nothingness and everything at the same time. I liked it. Everything was entire somehow. There was a completeness that left no room for questions.

Then I started to travel back until I could see the edges of the tube again. The further back I travelled, the closer the edges became. At the very moment I had become aware of the edges of the tube just coming into view, I also became aware of the presence of what I can only describe as an ‘essence of awareness.’

As the tube narrowed further, this ‘essence of awareness’ became more distinct, and I realised that, for me, it represented the concept of believing in separation from the Whole. The more the tube narrowed, the greater the belief in separation and the more distinct the ‘essence of awareness’ became, until it seemed to form a ‘field’ of some density. This ‘field’ was all-encompassing, so that I saw that each distinct essence was vast in nature, and was super-imposed on all the other seemingly distinct ‘essences of awareness’ that there seemed to be. As the tube continued to narrow, the ‘field’ seemed to increase in density even more, and the illusion of being separate became quite profound.

The more dense the field became, the more I could see that it was moving in an organised way that increased in complexity as it became tighter and more condensed, until I could see channels of energy feeding into what I recognised as the chakra system. Denser still the field became, and the illusion of separateness increased with it, until the point was reached where the tube became a speck on the form of the human forehead.

The body seemed very heavy and cumbersome. It also seemed to be totally separate, though I could see that it was not. It was actually connected to the Whole, and to every other symbol of feeling separate.

I travelled back along the tube again, because the end near the body did not hold the ‘pull’ for me that I felt at the far end. It was good to see the edges disappear from view once again.

So each perception of being separate is symbolised as a different ‘person’ here. If two perceptions were exactly the same, they would be represented by the same symbol. So what I am saying, is that the perceptions that need to be released for that symbol to be no longer necessary (enlightenment?) must be different for each ‘person’ or they would not seem to exist as a separate ‘person’ in the first place! (There are as many ways to enlightenment as there seem to be ‘people’ on the planet.)

If I identify with the source of all perception- that first concept of separateness- I see each ‘person’ as an interactive exploration of a different idea (or thought) I have imagined. Each ‘person’ would symbolise an expression of Me. Of course, with each sense of individual identity, there appears to be ego as a natural consequence. That is when the trouble starts! I think that is why affirmations have been such an effective tool for me; because they worked to help me to make small changes in the way I saw things, and so helped me to move gradually in the direction I wanted to go. I used affirmations to stretch me just a little- just enough to get me to the next step, and no more. I spent years and years taking thousands of tiny steps in this way, all the time making changes within myself. Steps were always related to my state of readiness and not linked to time at all.

Everyone is at a different stage in their awareness, and so they need to use different tools to help them. Each person needs to find their own way. No two ways are exactly the same, because remembering who you are is correcting a misperception, and each misperception that differed from another, created a seemingly separate identity within the illusion.

So imagine the home of a young family. One evening, the peace is shattered by screaming and yelling emerging from a child’s bedroom. As the parents rush in, their youngest son holds out two torn fragments of a much loved photograph. The picture of this child’s hero has been ripped in half by his older brother. His mother tries to explain that this was just a picture, and the real man is unharmed. The boy is not comforted, however, because it is not the man he has grown to love, but the symbol of the man, that he can see and touch.

On Awareness.

The significance of symbols cannot be over emphasised. Everything is symbolic in this illusion or it would not appear to be here, as that is what makes the illusion appear to be. Words and language are symbols used to communicate concepts and ideas, and so using symbols- which are effectively symbolising separateness- to describe anything that is not, (not separate, that is), is not possible to do adequately. If a reader comes from a viewpoint of believing separation is real (which is everyone who thinks they are on this planet) then separation is the premise which will underpin all their understanding- and it cannot be any other way. So the message received from any source will always depend on the perception of the reader.

You may have noticed that the words ‘I’ and ‘me’ are referring to different identities as I write, often changing several times within a single document. I have found this impossible to avoid at this time and I am aware this may cause some confusion.

I am clearly not Sarah- the body that holds the pen, yet of course I identify strongly with her. Sarah still has many reasons to seem to be in the illusion, and to communicate within the illusion requires the use of the tools of the illusion. ‘People’ are the most effective tool of all. My referral to ‘myself’- Sarah, in the third person, has been the only way I can explain with who I am identifying, because although, yes, I am Sarah from the perception that the ‘world’ is real, I see Sarah as a tool of perception in the same way as I see all other ‘people’ as tools of perception, when I am identifying with what I have called the Mind.

So if I direct my awareness so that I identify with what I see as the source of all perception (the perception of the illusion as I see it), several things seem to be happening. As my awareness travels (symbolically) to the other end of the tube, my visualisation is NOT a physical one! I do not see with eyes. So I am not looking at anything (or nothing, as they are both the same)- it is the ‘feeling’, that is, the experience that is of value. So my relating this to you can be of academic interest only, and I only relate anything at all because I am aware that intellectual concepts can help lead to experience. Each ‘person’ needs to experience for themselves, which they are unlikely to do in the same way as me- each will have their own way which is meaningful for them and just as valid. It is the feeling that is the important bit, I think. My journal entry continued, and this extract is taken from the point when the edges of the tube have just disappeared from view:

I could not see anything but the nothing that was all around me. It was everywhere, all at once, and I felt there is nowhere where it isn’t, so there is nowhere where it ends and something else begins. This means there is no ‘anything else’ or contrast, so I could say it was actually everywhere, or nowhere and that would mean exactly the same.

Then I had the most profound realisation beyond any imagining. I realised that I know everybody. I knew then, that there was not one single person who appears to be on the planet that I do not know. Anyone I could think of, see, or meet, I know I recognise them. I have remembered everybody and it is not conceivable that I could ever feel anything but love for anyone. I remember. There can be NO-ONE that I do not recognise and love. I do not need to remind myself they are part of the Whole, just as I am, it is quite clear to me that it could never be any other way.

I remember there was a time when I used to wonder how the body could not be real, when I could touch it. Then I found, through realisation, that I saw everything from a different viewpoint entirely and could not understand how I could seem to touch it, when it was not real. In a simular way, I used to wonder how we could all be One when we looked so separate, and now I wonder how I could have ever thought we were separate when we are so obviously One.

I knew every single person on the planet. I knew them intimately, everything about them, down to every thought they had ever had during any lifetime. I ‘recognised’ them is all I can say. There was no perception of awe or amazement that I could intimately know and recognise so many illusions of people- it was easy, and effortless, and natural. As I describe this I feel it again now and know it to be so. Then, as I was in that moment again, I realised that that recognition was not the only thing every person has in common- I knew that every person is perfect. There is nothing ‘bad’, or ‘wrong’, or -anything- about any single apparent person, all is perfection and nothing less.

So I realised during this journey, that I am the ‘creator’ of the entire illusion. (I am imagining all of it!) The ‘I’ with which I am identifying when I say this is not Sarah, who represents a perception symbolically, but the source of perception, which I have chosen to call the Mind. That is just the name I have given it at the moment, but others will have other names. What I describe is only the way it seems for me- Sarah. I went on in my journal entry to describe what I was feeling a little more:

There was a perception that the illusion exists, but that was all. The illusion held no more importance than that, so that its only significance was that those who thought they were in it thought it significant. I could tell there was no time and the sensation was overwhelming to me. I was serene and happy. I felt that the entire illusion was a misunderstanding and was only seeming to exist because it was thought that it did, and if the thought that the illusion existed was to stop, then the illusion would cease. I have felt this before, but this time I knew it deep within me.

Was this the borderland? My understanding is that the borderland is the name some have given to the state of being of realisation of the illusion, so there is no further need to incarnate within it. It does not exist in Reality. There is no perception of separateness to make real, so there is no need to incarnate as a seemingly separate individual. There is no time, because time is a tool of separation and the borderland is a state of acceptance that separation is only a misperception and is not real. Is the borderland that part of the illusion which holds within it acknowledgement that there is a perception of separation, though it is seen in the borderland for what it is? I think it will cease to seem to exist when the illusion ceases to seem to exist- which will happen when every perception of separateness is seen for what it is.

In the tubes, I was initially aware of being the perceiver, but then I identified with what I have called the Mind, so that I was identified as the one doing all of the apparent perceiving. I was perceiving the entire illusion (which, for me, included way more than this universe, by the way) and I identified with every sense of separate identity. So in identifying as the Mind, I am Sarah and John, and Mary etc. etc. that is, every ‘person.’ ever imagined. To imagine more than one, there has to be a perception of separateness and to identify at the level of the Mind is to be the source of all those perceptions. So within the symbolic illusion that I imagine, I seem to create all the symbols, so I suppose you could say I am everything and everyone, but that is not saying much, as none of it is real!

‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’.

From the viewpoint of believing the illusion to be real, there comes judgement and condemnation, as a natural consequence of ego (a belief in being separate). Both the ‘person’ who appears to have committed a crime, and the ‘person’ who places that judgement upon them, are simply a different expression of fear. It is acceptance of this at the deepest level that provides the opportunity to forgive the act of condemning in the first place, and so offer the potential to release the guilt.

From the viewpoint of seeing the ‘world’ as illusion, there can be no such thing as crime, because it is not real- it can be likened to a dream. A judgement would be immaterial and no emotions would be evoked, because there would be no sense of an injustice that can only arise from condemning in the first place. The world seen as a dream holds no attachment. A few years ago, I was dreaming vividly as I slept in my bed at night. I was on a long journey, and when I stopped for a rest, my beloved dog ran away, chasing a rabbit. I was distraught, and desperate to look for her. I also knew I was in a strange place and had to continue with my journey. Then, while still asleep, I realised I was dreaming. Immediately a weight was lifted. My distress, which had been very real and intense to me, vanished at once, and I got back into the car (still within the dream) and was happy to drive away, leaving the dog behind, because I knew I was in a dream and the dog did not actually exist.

If you were to move your hand gently across a bowl of water, ripples will radiate outwards due to the movement of your hand. The ripples are not ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, ‘good’ or ‘bad’ they are simply a consequence of the movement of your hand. The ripples are not your hand either. So the illusion, and everything that appears to be within it could be seen as analogous with the ripples.

The Enlightened spider

My thoughts on what might happen after enlightenment are changing, because I am changing the way I see everything. I used to imagine some great ‘waiting room in the sky’ where Buddha and Jesus, and all the other enlightened souls passed away the time, waiting for everyone else to arrive so the bus could finally leave for God! I can see why I would think that way, because at that time my conscious awareness believed separation was real. So those ‘individuals’ on Earth, when they became enlightened, still retained their sense of individuality to me, because I came from a place that treasured my sense of individuality through my ego. But this deep down realisation that there are no separate individuals, but that I am everyone, has built, so that all I see myself as, is changed.

I symbolised each different perception of separation that I had, as an apparent ‘individual.’ and this seemed to create what I chose to see as the ‘world’. I imagined many lifetimes for each symbol. Each ‘individual’ seemed to experience life as a ‘person’ in order to make those beliefs seem real. Everyone I see, is an expression of Me, including Sarah.

The perceptions that at the moment are symbolised by the apparent identity ‘Sarah’ have seemed to change over many lifetimes, so that ‘Sarah’ is perceiving ‘individuals’ as not separate at all. ‘Sarah’ needed the illusion, and her succession of apparent bodies, as a tool to re-enforce the beliefs she had in separateness, and so express her fears. When belief is completely changed to knowing there is no such thing as separateness, there is no longer any need for apparently separate bodies, because there will be no belief in separateness to symbolise. This means there becomes no need either for perceptions (the apparent illusion), or time to make the perceptions appear real. When all perception of separation is released, the illusion will no longer be imagined. (The ‘world’ will not seem to exist.)This prospect would feel very uncomfortable when viewed from the position of belief in separation. Yet this is NOT a loss. There is nothing at all to lose, apart from fear- which is not real either!

Once, I saw a giant spider scurry behind a cupboard in my bedroom. I could not take my eyes away from the wall around the cupboard in case it came out and moved somewhere else. I knew it was there, so I had to watch the wall so I always knew exactly where it was. I had a very long wait, unable to look away from the wall, until help arrived. The cupboard was gradually edged away from the wall. I knew that the spider had definitely not escaped, so I would see it at any moment, yet when the cupboard was moved aside, there was nothing there! There was no spider of any size. Had I really seen the spider? I certainly thought that I had. Had my imagination run wild, and I had believed what I had only imagined? I had made it seem so real, that for me it had become real. Just the thought of the spider had generated a fear in me that felt completely real.
But the spider had not been killed.
The spider had not died.
The spider had not ‘magically disappeared’.
There had never been a spider there in the first place.
I am aware that with the belief that the world is real, and separate identities really are separate, non-duality is impossible to fathom. It is impossible to understand from the perspective of separateness. Yet once it is experienced, there is nothing to understand. At least, that is how it seems to me.

On Learning, Teachers and Gurus.

I have never felt drawn to study spirituality, religion or non-duality through any medium. Basic self-help books (Louise Hay, for example) were invaluable in setting me on the road of active, conscious personal development, and the only other book I have read ‘The Disappearance of the Universe’ (which I enjoyed thoroughly, by the way), I recognised immediately as a timely reminder of what I had already learned over many pervious lifetimes. I have discovered what I have in a different way to Gary, but my conclusions are essentially the same. I am no different anyone else. What applies to me could just as easily apply to anyone else, but I can only relate to you my own experience- it may or may not resonate something within you. To move towards the discovery of who I Am, I found that I needed to look within me and let go of all the extraneous clutter that has seemed to mask my magnificence. I have felt no need to look for anything outside of me- everything I have ever needed has always been within me. I only needed to release the perceptions I held, that were a distraction.

So I have seemed to experience many journeys within my mind, that have brought my past learning into my conscious awareness, that is, a bringing together of the learning from countless lifetimes into the here and now. Non of this seemed difficult (or special) to me, because I see time only as a tool, and know it is not real. All these lifetimes are (like this one) not real, but imagined, so I am only choosing to recall a particular memory. Most can recall memories from different stages in their life easily. What I did is exactly the same, only I have chosen to recall from the entire range of lifetimes rather than just the present one I seem to be experiencing now.

So my teachers have been everywhere, whenever I have needed them- friends, colleagues, and especially my children. My gurus have been my challenging relationships- from them I have learnt the most. My tools have been forgiveness at the deepest level, and letting go.

Imagine a student taking a short break from a spiritual retreat to take a trip into the nearest town. While waiting in a queue for food, he hears two young boys talking. One shows the other something he has just bought- the latest gadget. His friend is very excited and impressed, and exclaims (in the common slang of his generation), “Wow! That’s unreal!” meaning that it’s amazing, or fabulous.

Our spiritual student is frozen in the moment, his mind filled with the words “that’s unreal.” In that instant, the penny drops and he lets go of his perception that the illusion is real. Is this young boy his guru?

It is not, to my way of thinking, the messenger that is important, but the message, and how the perceiver chooses to hear it.

All of these teachers and tools (that is- everyday interactions with others) are freely available to anyone who chooses to use them. Everyone always has the person they need, precisely when they need them, wherever they are, and no-one is offered a challenge they are not able to meet.

So who are all these teachers and gurus really? They appear to be individuals within the illusion, so I know they are symbols of perception. In knowing I am the source of all perception, I know they are all me. I have been teaching myself all along!

Sarah Meskanen

sarah.matarah@gmail.com